Madness – Musings Of A Non Muse

Highway Regret | 04.25.19

It will haunt you always, all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’, the knowing that you could have helped but still chose to walk away.

You were driving on your way back and suddenly; it feels like you’re inside a dream. Everything was in slow motion. You can see all the little details of what is happening – the brake lights, the skidding of the car, the collision and both cars breaking into pieces, a man trying to get out of their car, the guy that didn’t second guess and run to help and all those other cars passing by. Your world stood still, and the sound of a car horn meant for you woke you up from the trance you were in.

You thought once, twice, thrice, heck, even more. You thought of what you should do. Should you stop just like that guy? Should you call for help? What’s the right thing to do? Cars honking again, passing you by. If you could only stop thinking and just get off the car. In the end, you only did what is convenient for you, just like the others, you continued driving and passed them by.

It will haunt you always, all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’, the knowing that you could have helped but still chose to walk away. It will haunt you as you wonder if everyone’s okay and if someone did call for help.

All that talk of dreams to help other people… they’re all just that – all talk without action. And in choosing not to help, you realized that you’re a coward. You’re a coward and you’re selfish. You only help others if you’ll gain something from it.

You can’t undo anything. You can’t go back and change what happened. You can’t turn your car around now. But I hope you learn from it. You’ll regret not doing anything this time but if something arises again and a help is needed, please don’t do the same thing, don’t be that someone again. Don’t hesitate anymore. Choose to be a good person and take action.

I can only pray for them now, please be okay.
And I’m sorry that I didn’t help.

I’m The One I Should Love

I know I’m not lacking, but you make me feel that I am.

Relationships. Having a partner. Settling down.

For as long as I can remember, that’s all I’ve ever heard. From family, to friends, to acquaintances, it’s always the same, it’s all they ever ask. I guess at 25, that’s what people expect of you.

And I am getting tired of all these questions. Is that all you can think when we talk? Is that all that you can see when you look at me? Does my face screams ‘I need someone, I’m incomplete.’?

“Do you like someone?” you asked. “You should go out, meet people.” you proposed. “We’ll find someone for you.’ you pushed. As if looking for someone should be my top priority. As if being by myself is not enough. As if doing what I want to do and working on my dreams is insignificant.

Surely, if I’m being honest, there are times when I wonder if I will ever have that someone by my side, too. Because let’s face it, who doesn’t want to feel love? Who doesn’t want to be loved? No one.

But every time I make an effort for myself, you think it’s for someone else. You think that that’s what I want right now, that that’s what I need, but telling me all these only result in making me feel worse about myself. I know I’m not lacking, but you make me feel that I am.

Don’t look at me like there’s something wrong with me. I’m not incomplete. I’m not broken. And I am done letting you define me for one thing only. Who I am now is enough. I am enough.

And when that time comes when I would finally meet that someone, I would make sure that the choice to be with him is because I wanted to and not because somebody forced me to.

And right now, I’m the one I should love.

Featured image from Unsplash.

Published on Thought Catalog and Unwritten.

A Letter To A (Sort Of) Angel

Stars aligned..

“It happens like this.

“One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else–closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel–one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them–even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering–the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.”

Though here is a word of warning–you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

– Lang Leav

Hello.

Has anyone told you today that you’re wonderful?

If not, then let me start this off by saying that You. Are. Wonderful.

Wonderful in the way that you light up a room with your presence, how you easily make people feel at ease, how you can make them laugh, or how you so compassionately help others. Wonderful in the way that you don’t even seem to realize it.

Though time has been short for us, I am still thankful that I met you. Truly Thankful. Without you even knowing, you helped me to believe that I am capable of more and I hope that you do the same to you, believe in yourself, too.

Wherever you are right now, I hope that you’re happy.. that you’re finally getting there. I hope that you already got the recognition that you’ve always wanted. I hope that you’re smiling that contagious smile of yours and that you’re done with comparing yourself to anyone.

And when you look at the stars tonight, just like you always do, I hope that you see not only the past but as well as the future full of hope and happiness.

“I used to believe in one true soul mate, but not anymore.
I believe you can have a few.”
– Paul Walker

Liking the idea that you can meet a few rather than one Soulmate.. or maybe..
we can call them angels instead?

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE ANYWAY

a reminder to self.

Why do we have the need

to meet other’s expectation of us?

Screw that.

Challenge yourself.

Expect yourself to do the best.

But not for anyone.

Never.

Why not do what you want?

Why bother with what they think?

If you’re not hurting anyone intentionally,

then it’s all good.

Criticisms will always be there.

People will always have something to say.

Let them, if that’s what makes them happy,

If that’s the life that they chose for themselves,

let them.

It’s not your business anyways.

Loved ones stopping you from what you want to do?

Screw that, too.

You love them, yes,

But you are not obliged to do what they want.

If they love you too,

They’ll support you and not cage you.

Again, if you’re not hurting anybody intentionally,

If you’re still trying to be a good person,

then it’s all good.

But to be a good person doesn’t mean to succumb to anyone.

Live your life.

Regrets from doing something

rather than not doing anything

can be quite tormenting.

So do it.

Cast away your inhibitions.

After all,

we’re all gonna die anyway.

a little something to remind myself. Yes, i’m writing this for myself, and to, maybe, inspire others, but mostly to remind myself.

Manifest Your Heart’s Desires

“I recommend that you read The Alchemist.”

“I recommend that you read the Alchemist.”

– Growing Up by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

We attract what we think. You might have heard and seen this often and not really pay too much attention. You might be skeptical, too, just like how I was, but there is truth in this statement.

I am slowly learning and relearning that everything begins with our thoughts. Try to think of the things that you want to happen, things that you want to achieve. Try to envision it, it will be hard at first, especially if you are so used in expecting and experiencing unfortunate events happen to you, but just try.

There is one Oprah interview of Jim Carrey where he told the story of how he wrote a 10-million-dollar check to himself when he had nothing yet. He did it just to lift himself up. He kept that note in his wallet for years and years and on the same year that he dated the check with, he did make $10 million for a movie that he starred in!

It may not sound as simple as it really is, but what started as a visualization of things to only make himself feel better later became a reality. And if someone did it by starting with a single thought, then so can we!

Our minds are powerful. It can lead us to bigger and greater things if we only start to believe in it.

It’s not going to be easy. It will be a process. It might take years to reach something. And yes, we won’t always be in that calm, happy and good state, because that’s how life works, and there is always going to be a day, or weeks, in which you may think that it’s not working. You may feel that everything is still the same and you are just going in circles, but I believe that if we are aware of it means that we are still on the right track.

Don’t let go of the vision on where you want to be, on what you want to feel.

Same goes with our dreams, our Personal Legend, the things that we are passionate about, the things that we love to do, the things that give us a sense of purpose. Perhaps the Universe is just waiting for our move, beginning with our minds, so that it can do its part in helping us manifest what it is that we truly desire.

Think It. Claim It. Work on It. Reach it.

Praying that we can all manage to continue hoping.
To continue living.

*Listen to Macklemore’s Growing Up. Read Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist. Reread it. If you feel lost, read it again. Go for your Personal Legend. Still cheering for all of us.

She Would No Longer Be Your Friend

After all those dreams that would never be,
she finally woke up.

And now you’re losing her.

After all those dreams that would never be,

she finally woke up.

And now you’re losing her.

She would no longer talk to you. She’d no longer message you. No more initiating and prolonging conversations nor asking how you are. No more typing and retyping words in hopes that you’ll find some interest. She’d no longer try to make you smile when all that it is doing is take away hers.

She would no longer wait. No more waiting for the time that she’ll see you again. She’d no longer wait for your name to pop up. No more waiting if you’d remember that it’s her birthday and if you’ll ever notice that she’s not okay. She’d no longer wait for you to ask how she is.

She would no longer expect you to reciprocate – would no longer expect you to be the friend that she thought she needed. It’s unfair and wrong for both of you, she realized that now. She finally understand that no one can force someone into staying. She would stop clinging in to what you were, she’d no longer see you as her hope.

She would no longer try. No more trying to be what you need. She now knows that she can never be that friend, still she hopes for you to meet one, someone. She hopes for you to achieve all that you want ’cause she believes that you deserve it. She still wishes you well and still hopes for your happiness.

Perhaps you might not even notice but you would no longer hear from her. You would no longer be the one she thinks of sharing her stories with – good or bad. You would no longer be the person she remembers when a certain song plays. You would no longer be a constant thought in her mind. You would no longer see her. She would no longer be there.

She would no longer be your friend.

You already lost her.

Hey, You.

Yes, you.

You with the sad eyes.

Hey.

Yes, you.

You with the sad eyes.

How are you?

How’s your heart? Are you feeling like you’ll never be happy or content with life? That you’re only surviving and living but not truly alive? Even when you’re with your family, with your friends or with your loved ones, do you still feel alone?

I think we all feel that way – at some point in our lives if not all the time. Dull and numb and full of feelings all at the same time. What a contradiction human beings are.

You are probably tired of people telling you that ‘everything’s gonna be okay in the end’, ‘think positive’ or ‘don’t worry about it’, words that often make it worse. Do you find it funny and appalling, too, when people tell you that? But I guess we can’t really resent them, for I, myself, am not sure of the right words to say, too.

You don’t have to stop yourself from feeling. You don’t have to stop yourself from letting the sadness in, from letting yourself feel some darkness, from letting some of the shadows accompany you.. perhaps facing them is how you’ll get through it.

Acknowledge their presence. Understand that they’re here, that they are a part of you, that you avoiding them would only result in you not being able to move forward.

Feel.

Let your feelings flow.

Let your heart get tired, get numb.

Let it consume you — for that time being only.

Feel.

Then, unknowingly, your heart will start to let happiness in, litte by little.

And as uncertain as we are about the ‘when‘ and ‘how‘, just know that there is someone here cheering you on. We’ll make it through.

You’ll make it through.